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Day ago I asked if “feminism” is dead. The question, asked simply as an inquiry to today’s media depictions of typical role models was somewhat, though not solely centered around abuse charges filed against Chris Brown alleging face-pummeling of Rhianna. An enraged reader did not comment here, but in the safer confines of Facebook left a message attacking the author as being “clearly feminist” as though “feminist” was a bad thing. The comment implied the word means (and the author is) man-hating, and victimizer of men. News flash: Feminism is not a four letter word! And this author loves some men. And some men love me. Some women love me, and I them; I’m a pretty lovable person. I do not abuse humans nor do I allow myself to be abused. It’s not okay, by my personal standard to hurt others. What goes to follow is that I do not believe fighting and war ever solved any problem between any persons or groups of persons. I have a deep respect for the women who have gone before me, paved the way for my “equal rights under the law.” My great grandmother was a pioneer, so I suppose the drive to pursue a life deserving of my investment is in my blood. Because I worked “non-traditional” jobs in order to support my children, I am a pioneer of sorts too. But I chose “men’s work” because at an innate level I knew my time and energy were as valuable as any man’s or woman’s, and in order to receive equal compensation I had to join a union job and do the dirty work. It had nothing to do with feminism at a conscious level. It had everything to do with survival. I am glad I had the opportunity to join the union. That right was clearly provided to me as a direct result of the early feminist movement. And even though I was often still discriminated against, I only grew more aware and more empowered as a result. Additionally, I am happy to have been able to attend school, to gain a higher education, unlike the women of past generations who were banned from education. And I am very pleased to be able to vote. Yes, I am a feminist. I embrace the label. I am a lot of other things too: a woman, a mother, a friend, sister, daughter, grand mother, writer, Realtor, interior designer, advocate, and yes, pioneer. As a faceted human being I aspire to much, and make assumptions that others be allowed to pursue their dreams as well, fearlessly, ferociously. My mother said I could do anything I wanted as long as it hurt no one else. I took that message to heart.

In her tirade against my blog, the commenter, Ashley, went on to say that Oprah was out of line for her plea to Chris Brown to get help, and for Rhianna to walk away. Ashley said it’s impossible for Oprah to know if Chris Brown or anyone will change. Yes, that is true it is not possible to know what anyone will do. The unfortunate facts are however, the statistics support Oprah’s admonishment that “He will do it again.” It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. The odds are he will do it again unless (and even if) he has had anger management counseling. And most likely, he will do it with increased fervor. The obviously angered reader went on to say that women are the real abusers and that women are “master manipulators” of the poor men. She wanted to see statistics of abused men. She is correct, of course; there are men who are abused by women and some statistics suggest this is under-reported as men are embarrassed to be seen as “victims.” This fear of being perceived as a victim is just affirmation that unequal relationships and abuse still continue to occur. NO ONE ever insinuated that only women are abused. And incidents of abuse go under-reported in all genders and social circles. The reader’s statement fascinated though, me as I wondered what raw nerve was touched by the blog. I don’t blog to incite riot; I’m not the female equivalent of Rush Limbaugh! I don’t like confrontation. Neither do I believe feminism was ever a means or excuse to abuse or manipulate men. It is true that when a pendulum swings from one side it generally goes to the extreme opposite extreme side. By now I would hope the pendulum would settle somewhere in the center, that no one would abuse or manipulate another human. Are women “manipulators” as Ashley suggests? Or is she projecting some inner filtered version of life as she sees it? Feminism is not a license to abuse or manipulate. I do not suggest otherwise. And if fantasy television shows like Desperate Housewives set the stage for the roles men and women act out, then women truly do manipulate. But in real life, the facts are that we decide who we are and what behaviors to take on, to emulate, and that’s the problem with celebrities abusing (or manipulating) each other in the spotlight. Our children grow to learn behaviors and social mores based upon what they see; emulating is the natural process by which we learn and grow as humans. Knowing that fact, wouldn’t it be nirvana if the kids were exposed to balanced and loving safe environments where anger and abuse and manipulation are not a way of life? So I ask these question of the reader, and especially in the unlikely event that Ashley decides to read this:

• What roles are you playing? (Is your life a tragedy, drama, comedy? Are you a villain, vixen, dumb blond, hero, nurse, warrior, victim, etc.?)
• Who are your role models? (Stereotypes, mythologies, cultural mores, characters, parents, care takers, influences.)
• Do you deserve to live a life without fear? (Let there be no doubt; YES, you do deserve to live freely and fearlessly.)
• Does the abused become the abuser? (Beware the over-reaction, over-correction as the pendulum swings.)
• Who decides how you are treated? (The only authentic answer is, “you do.”)
• Are you feeding the monster? (When the monster bites ask yourself what part you play.)
• Are you the monster? (The pendulum swings both ways.)
• Are you the appropriate role model for impressionable youth? (In the spotlight, are you proud of yourself?)
• Are you balanced? (Victim/Victimizer or somewhere in between?)

Perhaps the name “feminism” would be better a better label as “humanism.” As a humanist I vow to treat others as they treat me. If I am not treated as I wish to be treated I walk away. No fighting or abuse. And if what can be controlled by me is how I choose to relate with others, my relationships will be balanced with mutual respect. That’s the true definition of both ”feminism” and “humanism.”  

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